Text conversation with my mom:
Me: I just ate cottage cheese out of a mug and it was probably the most exciting thing I did all day.
Mom: That is pretty sad! Too bad you don't still have a blog to put that event on.
Me: Hahaha. To be fair, it was really good cottage cheese in a cute mug.
Mom: Well there you go...
Isn't my Fall Break the most exciting you've ever heard of? Add in a lot of reading about Degas and the French press and newspapers during the Counterrevolution and you can see why Fall Break as a grad student definitely isn't as cool as Fall Break as a normal college kid!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
My Visit to Fort Worth!
So, a few weeks ago, I was able to finally go back to somewhere I've been longing to be...my second home, Fort Worth and TCU! I just happened to have a free weekend the same time that all of my friends there were free because there was an away game, so I hopped on a plane and headed back to Cowtown :)
My lovely Little Kayla picked me up at the airport (after I got up at 5:00am to get to the airport, this will be important later) and I just about lost it then...I missed her so much! Then we went to see Julie at her place of employment and had a tour of Brainhealth. We headed back to Fort Worth and ate at the new In-N-Out Burger and then went back to her apartment until band. I got to see Lauren then and catch up...and also watch the O.C., which Kayla and Lauren promised I would soon be addicted to and which indeed proved to be the case!
Anyways, it was soon time to leave for band practice. I have honestly been really missing band, so I was glad to have the opportunity to go and I also got to see so many friends. I received so many hugs in the space of ten minutes...I have rarely felt so loved. I was so glad to see so many people: my museum buddy Michelle, Olivia, Natalie, Molly, Cristi, and the Amandas and so many others, and, it goes without saying, the rest of my family! Being with Kayla, Audrey, Callie and Meridith again made me feel complete again, really bring home that I had felt like something was missing. I love them all so much and seeing them again...ah, there are no words. Anyways, so practice continued on and I got to help out with the rain jackets and see their show so far. Then, at the end, I was able to sing with the chapter which definitely brought tears to my eyes. I know that college can't go on forever...but I wish that I had more time to be in band and TBS with all of these people I love so much.
After practice, we met up with Julie for dinner at Pappasito's for some good old Tex-Mex like they definitely don't have in Lawrence! We had a great dinner and a lot of fun together. Then Julie and I went back to Kayla and Lauren's to get ready to go the Fray concert at TCU that night. The concert was fun but not super exciting, though we got to hang out with Meridith and Callie some more. Afterwards, we went out with some other people and had a very exciting night! Long story short, though, we didn't go to bed until after 3:30, and I had been up since 5 that morning. Yikes!
The next morning we were up bright and early too for the Heart Start Walk, which TBS has participated in since my sophomore year. It was fun and afterwards Kayla and Traci and Joellen and I had a lovely breakfast at the Vickery Blvd Cafe. Then Kayla I went back to her apartment and basically laid on her floor for hours until Meridith and Callie came over and inspired us to do something. We went to this really neat and delicious pizza place called Pie-5 to eat and watch the TCU game. After halftime, Amy and Allison came to meet us and it was more than I had hoped for to see them as well! After the game was over, we went to this place called Sweet Sammies and had ice cream sandwiches...mine was purple, of course, to celebrate our victory! Then Kayla and Callie and Meridith and I explored the new Charming Charlie's. Callie had to leave but Kayla and Meridith and I watched one of our Pink! family movies, She's the Man. Then we dropped Meridith off on campus and went to the Black-Out party at the drumline house. However, it was super crowded and I was too tired to deal with crowds and so we left, got Whataburger, and watched some more O.C.
The next morning, we got up and Callie and Kayla drove me to the airport. Being September 11th, I was worried about security, but it was fine in Dallas. It was a bit surreal to be sitting there watching the ceremonies in New York while sitting in an airport...especially after my plane was delayed because of a bomb threat at KCI. So, it took quite awhile to get home, and I was stressing about the week to come. Still, I wouldn't trade my time in Fort Worth for anything!
So, there is an extremely detailed account of my time in Fort Worth. I'm glad I didn't have to wait until Homecoming to see everyone again. I really needed to renewal of being around my friends and people who loved me and I did not realize how much I missed being hugged! Now I'm eagerly counting the days until I can go back for Homecoming!
My lovely Little Kayla picked me up at the airport (after I got up at 5:00am to get to the airport, this will be important later) and I just about lost it then...I missed her so much! Then we went to see Julie at her place of employment and had a tour of Brainhealth. We headed back to Fort Worth and ate at the new In-N-Out Burger and then went back to her apartment until band. I got to see Lauren then and catch up...and also watch the O.C., which Kayla and Lauren promised I would soon be addicted to and which indeed proved to be the case!
Anyways, it was soon time to leave for band practice. I have honestly been really missing band, so I was glad to have the opportunity to go and I also got to see so many friends. I received so many hugs in the space of ten minutes...I have rarely felt so loved. I was so glad to see so many people: my museum buddy Michelle, Olivia, Natalie, Molly, Cristi, and the Amandas and so many others, and, it goes without saying, the rest of my family! Being with Kayla, Audrey, Callie and Meridith again made me feel complete again, really bring home that I had felt like something was missing. I love them all so much and seeing them again...ah, there are no words. Anyways, so practice continued on and I got to help out with the rain jackets and see their show so far. Then, at the end, I was able to sing with the chapter which definitely brought tears to my eyes. I know that college can't go on forever...but I wish that I had more time to be in band and TBS with all of these people I love so much.
After practice, we met up with Julie for dinner at Pappasito's for some good old Tex-Mex like they definitely don't have in Lawrence! We had a great dinner and a lot of fun together. Then Julie and I went back to Kayla and Lauren's to get ready to go the Fray concert at TCU that night. The concert was fun but not super exciting, though we got to hang out with Meridith and Callie some more. Afterwards, we went out with some other people and had a very exciting night! Long story short, though, we didn't go to bed until after 3:30, and I had been up since 5 that morning. Yikes!
The next morning we were up bright and early too for the Heart Start Walk, which TBS has participated in since my sophomore year. It was fun and afterwards Kayla and Traci and Joellen and I had a lovely breakfast at the Vickery Blvd Cafe. Then Kayla I went back to her apartment and basically laid on her floor for hours until Meridith and Callie came over and inspired us to do something. We went to this really neat and delicious pizza place called Pie-5 to eat and watch the TCU game. After halftime, Amy and Allison came to meet us and it was more than I had hoped for to see them as well! After the game was over, we went to this place called Sweet Sammies and had ice cream sandwiches...mine was purple, of course, to celebrate our victory! Then Kayla and Callie and Meridith and I explored the new Charming Charlie's. Callie had to leave but Kayla and Meridith and I watched one of our Pink! family movies, She's the Man. Then we dropped Meridith off on campus and went to the Black-Out party at the drumline house. However, it was super crowded and I was too tired to deal with crowds and so we left, got Whataburger, and watched some more O.C.
The next morning, we got up and Callie and Kayla drove me to the airport. Being September 11th, I was worried about security, but it was fine in Dallas. It was a bit surreal to be sitting there watching the ceremonies in New York while sitting in an airport...especially after my plane was delayed because of a bomb threat at KCI. So, it took quite awhile to get home, and I was stressing about the week to come. Still, I wouldn't trade my time in Fort Worth for anything!
So, there is an extremely detailed account of my time in Fort Worth. I'm glad I didn't have to wait until Homecoming to see everyone again. I really needed to renewal of being around my friends and people who loved me and I did not realize how much I missed being hugged! Now I'm eagerly counting the days until I can go back for Homecoming!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
The First Month of Grad School
So, given that I've been in grad school for a month, I should probably write a blog post about grad school, right? I mean, it's this huge, important part of my life now, something that's going to define my next three years and all the years to come...but I can sum it up in one sentence.
Grad school is hard.
Shocking revelation, I know. I'm sure you're staring at your computer screen in exasperation, thinking, "Well duh it's hard, Ashley, it is graduate school after all." And I would completely agree with you. I knew grad school was going to be hard. I knew that it would be challenging and difficult and stressful. I suppose what's surprising me is just how it's hard. Obviously, you have the subject material. All in all, that's not too much harder than undergrad. Sure, it's more concentrated, more in depth, but if you're taking good undergrad classes, the actual difficulty in terms of art history doesn't ratchet up too much. No, what gets you is the way your classes are structured. You see, what they don't tell you when preparing for grad school is that in addition to learning your actual subject, you'll need to learn how to be a grad student too. You'll be placed in classes with Ph.D. students, with people who have actual work experience in museums or elsewhere in the field, with older, more experienced Masters students. You'll have to keep up with the years of extra knowledge and experience they have, and try your hardest to keep your head above water. In addition to that, you'll be reading about four times more each week than you EVER had to read for ALL of your undergrad classes for just one class, and you have to be able to engage with and remember the material in a way that's just insane.
It's just...there's a whole extra level of things you have to learn that aren't in classes. And you're never really taught them...you just have to learn as you go along. It's overwhelming and stressful and scary, because it's so much that you're not really sure how you'll ever get to the level of those other students. And also, you're cut off from your support network and completely starting over so you don't even have friends to rely on...it's just all new, all hard, and all stressful.
And, now that I've complained about how hard it is, grad school is fun too! It's great to be a part of tight knit department, and I love being able to focus just on art history and learn a lot. Teaching is hard, but I'm really glad I have the opportunity to do so. I'm learning a lot and I have some really great and entertaining students. It's just a lot of difference in just about every aspect of my life and it's a lot to get used to. Still, I'm hopeful that I'll keep learning and soon I'll be much more comfortable with my role as a graduate student.
Grad school is hard.
Shocking revelation, I know. I'm sure you're staring at your computer screen in exasperation, thinking, "Well duh it's hard, Ashley, it is graduate school after all." And I would completely agree with you. I knew grad school was going to be hard. I knew that it would be challenging and difficult and stressful. I suppose what's surprising me is just how it's hard. Obviously, you have the subject material. All in all, that's not too much harder than undergrad. Sure, it's more concentrated, more in depth, but if you're taking good undergrad classes, the actual difficulty in terms of art history doesn't ratchet up too much. No, what gets you is the way your classes are structured. You see, what they don't tell you when preparing for grad school is that in addition to learning your actual subject, you'll need to learn how to be a grad student too. You'll be placed in classes with Ph.D. students, with people who have actual work experience in museums or elsewhere in the field, with older, more experienced Masters students. You'll have to keep up with the years of extra knowledge and experience they have, and try your hardest to keep your head above water. In addition to that, you'll be reading about four times more each week than you EVER had to read for ALL of your undergrad classes for just one class, and you have to be able to engage with and remember the material in a way that's just insane.
It's just...there's a whole extra level of things you have to learn that aren't in classes. And you're never really taught them...you just have to learn as you go along. It's overwhelming and stressful and scary, because it's so much that you're not really sure how you'll ever get to the level of those other students. And also, you're cut off from your support network and completely starting over so you don't even have friends to rely on...it's just all new, all hard, and all stressful.
And, now that I've complained about how hard it is, grad school is fun too! It's great to be a part of tight knit department, and I love being able to focus just on art history and learn a lot. Teaching is hard, but I'm really glad I have the opportunity to do so. I'm learning a lot and I have some really great and entertaining students. It's just a lot of difference in just about every aspect of my life and it's a lot to get used to. Still, I'm hopeful that I'll keep learning and soon I'll be much more comfortable with my role as a graduate student.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Summer Reading Pt. 3
19. Cheaper by the Dozen by Frank B. Gilbreth Jr. and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey
I found this book when I was cleaning out my room, and I simply had to reread it. I loved this story when I was younger and read it over and over. I like all of the little episodes that come together to make this picture of the life of the Gilbreths. The fact that it was true made it that much more enjoyable. While it doesn't have the same fond place in my heart that other beloved childhood books do, I enjoyed the chance to reread it this summer.
20. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
I already talked about this in my novel reading blog, but I cannot believe I hadn't read this novel before. It was so much better than I thought it would be (really, sometimes I shouldn't doubt books that are deemed 'classics'). But I loved the characters and the story and it never felt slow. If you haven't read To Kill a Mockingbird, pick it up!
21. A Game of Thrones
22. A Clash of Kings
Okay. These were the books I really wanted to read this summer. As much as I usually try to stay away from things that are hyped, sometimes they're hyped because they're legitimately good. Such was the case with The Hunger Games, such was the case with this series. I haven't had a ton of money for books this second half of the summer, so I've paced myself a bit and not raced through them like I really want to. Either way, they're good. I'm completely engrossed and involved with the story and the characters. At times, it reminds me of Ken Follett and how no one can ever be happy, which isn't exactly uplifting reading. Still, I want to know what happens, so I keep reading. Also, the way the books are written, with successive chapters coming from the point of view of different characters, keeps me reading far longer than I mean to every night. I can't wait to read the next three in the series!
23. North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell
I started North and South before finals and had to put it down for thesis/finals. I finally picked it up again and it was enjoyable. While I loved the mini-series, I just liked the book. Maybe it's because all of the aspects of Margaret's character that I didn't care for in the show were so much more amplified in novel. Oh well. I liked it.
I found this book when I was cleaning out my room, and I simply had to reread it. I loved this story when I was younger and read it over and over. I like all of the little episodes that come together to make this picture of the life of the Gilbreths. The fact that it was true made it that much more enjoyable. While it doesn't have the same fond place in my heart that other beloved childhood books do, I enjoyed the chance to reread it this summer.
20. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
I already talked about this in my novel reading blog, but I cannot believe I hadn't read this novel before. It was so much better than I thought it would be (really, sometimes I shouldn't doubt books that are deemed 'classics'). But I loved the characters and the story and it never felt slow. If you haven't read To Kill a Mockingbird, pick it up!
21. A Game of Thrones
22. A Clash of Kings
Okay. These were the books I really wanted to read this summer. As much as I usually try to stay away from things that are hyped, sometimes they're hyped because they're legitimately good. Such was the case with The Hunger Games, such was the case with this series. I haven't had a ton of money for books this second half of the summer, so I've paced myself a bit and not raced through them like I really want to. Either way, they're good. I'm completely engrossed and involved with the story and the characters. At times, it reminds me of Ken Follett and how no one can ever be happy, which isn't exactly uplifting reading. Still, I want to know what happens, so I keep reading. Also, the way the books are written, with successive chapters coming from the point of view of different characters, keeps me reading far longer than I mean to every night. I can't wait to read the next three in the series!
23. North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell
I started North and South before finals and had to put it down for thesis/finals. I finally picked it up again and it was enjoyable. While I loved the mini-series, I just liked the book. Maybe it's because all of the aspects of Margaret's character that I didn't care for in the show were so much more amplified in novel. Oh well. I liked it.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Melancholy
Kathy Nightingale: Why did you come here anyway?
Sally Sparrow: I love old things. They make me feel sad.
Kathy Nightingale: What's good about sad?
Sally Sparrow: It's happy for deep people.
The quote above (which happens to be from one of my favorite Doctor Who episodes, Blink) seems to describe my life lately. I'm not necessarily really sad, but I'm not really happy either. I'm just kind of melancholy. But I don't feel like I could tell people that I'm melancholy without them thinking there's something wrong. For me, melancholy isn't bad. It's like...salted caramel cupcakes. That little bit of salt makes the sweet so much better. Just like that, the little bit of sad makes me so much more aware of the happiness.
I can't really say why I feel so melancholy (though listening to Jar of Hearts obsessively probably isn't helping). Maybe it's just part of that time of change; everything else is going every which way, so why shouldn't my emotions? I'd much rather just be completely happy, but since I'm not, I suppose I'll just enjoy the mystery and depth of the melancholy and look forward to the happy contrast to come.
Sally Sparrow: I love old things. They make me feel sad.
Kathy Nightingale: What's good about sad?
Sally Sparrow: It's happy for deep people.
The quote above (which happens to be from one of my favorite Doctor Who episodes, Blink) seems to describe my life lately. I'm not necessarily really sad, but I'm not really happy either. I'm just kind of melancholy. But I don't feel like I could tell people that I'm melancholy without them thinking there's something wrong. For me, melancholy isn't bad. It's like...salted caramel cupcakes. That little bit of salt makes the sweet so much better. Just like that, the little bit of sad makes me so much more aware of the happiness.
I can't really say why I feel so melancholy (though listening to Jar of Hearts obsessively probably isn't helping). Maybe it's just part of that time of change; everything else is going every which way, so why shouldn't my emotions? I'd much rather just be completely happy, but since I'm not, I suppose I'll just enjoy the mystery and depth of the melancholy and look forward to the happy contrast to come.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
In Which Ashley Gets on a Soapbox
This is just a quick blurb, but I have something to say and no one to say it to...hence, using this blog!
I've been looking a lot into Mental Health Awareness, and what sort of groups and support and advocates there are, because it's important to me personally. In the course of this research, I am increasingly shocked (though I really shouldn't be) at the callousness and shear insensitivity of so many people on the internet. There's a campaign called "End the Stigma", which is all about changing the way the public perceives people with mental illness. This movement is great and I hope that it succeeds. However, in some areas I think it's gone way too far in the wrong direction. People glorify their perceived disorders. Now, I'm not going to say that these people don't necessarily have any sort of problems. However, I'm really skeptical about the people like those on Tumblr who post these "Mental Disorder Quizzes" where they answer maybe seven very open questions about various disorders and suddenly they have ADHD, OCD, Bulimia, Depression, and many others, all at once. I'm sorry for them if they really feel they have all of these illnesses...but seriously, taking a quiz like that and posting it on a social media or blog site such as Tumblr just smacks of begging for attention, sympathy, and maybe even being 'cool', since sadly in some social groups your status seems to be measured by how messed up you are.
Basically, this is what I have to say. If you feel like you have a mental disorder, do something about it. Talk to a friend, a doctor, someone to trust. At the very least do your research so that you can better understand the disorder. Get help, and if your help comes from talking to others and being public about your disorder, that's your way. However, don't trivialize it. There are so many people who are really suffering, and they have enough to deal with without trivializing what they are fighting through.
I've been looking a lot into Mental Health Awareness, and what sort of groups and support and advocates there are, because it's important to me personally. In the course of this research, I am increasingly shocked (though I really shouldn't be) at the callousness and shear insensitivity of so many people on the internet. There's a campaign called "End the Stigma", which is all about changing the way the public perceives people with mental illness. This movement is great and I hope that it succeeds. However, in some areas I think it's gone way too far in the wrong direction. People glorify their perceived disorders. Now, I'm not going to say that these people don't necessarily have any sort of problems. However, I'm really skeptical about the people like those on Tumblr who post these "Mental Disorder Quizzes" where they answer maybe seven very open questions about various disorders and suddenly they have ADHD, OCD, Bulimia, Depression, and many others, all at once. I'm sorry for them if they really feel they have all of these illnesses...but seriously, taking a quiz like that and posting it on a social media or blog site such as Tumblr just smacks of begging for attention, sympathy, and maybe even being 'cool', since sadly in some social groups your status seems to be measured by how messed up you are.
Basically, this is what I have to say. If you feel like you have a mental disorder, do something about it. Talk to a friend, a doctor, someone to trust. At the very least do your research so that you can better understand the disorder. Get help, and if your help comes from talking to others and being public about your disorder, that's your way. However, don't trivialize it. There are so many people who are really suffering, and they have enough to deal with without trivializing what they are fighting through.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Solitude vs. Loneliness
I've been living on my own for two weeks now, and I'm still in that awkward time where you're in a new area but don't have new friends, so I've had a lot of time to myself. Obviously, a lot of that time is spent feeling rather lonely. Before I went to college, I would have said that I liked being alone; I've always been fairly independent and self-sufficient, and a good book was all I really needed in terms of company. Now, however, I know better than ever the aching pains of loneliness. So, what changed? Why do I feel the lack of companionship so much more now than I did before? The answer to that, I believe, lies in the difference between solitude and loneliness.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary online defines solitude as:
1: the quality or state of being alone or remote from society: seclusion, or;
2: a lonely place (as a desert).
Whereas lonely is defined as:
1 a: being without company: lone,
b: cut off from others: solitary;
2: not frequented by human beings: desolate;
3: sad from being alone: lonesome;
4. producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation - loneliness.
So here, besides seeing that lonely has many more variations, we see a distinct difference in tone, or at least I do. While solitude is simply "being" alone, lonely is being "cut off"; one is voluntary, the other not. That, I believe, is the crux of the matter.
When I think of solitude, I think of something that is chosen, or at least something that you're accepting of. When I think of loneliness, the overwhelming secondary feeling is that of being separate, or of missing out. Is loneliness really just the worry that you're missing out on something, somewhere else? I know a lot of my feelings of loneliness arise from reminders that life goes on for my friends and those I care about without me...that I am separate from the chain of events I used to be part of. On the other hand, when I'm in a solitary mood, it's only about me. I'm in a place where I'm not even thinking about those outside influences...therefore, loneliness arises from a comparison to others, while solitude is a state of completeness without need for anyone else.
I just went and sat out on my deck - just me, my TCU blanket, and a Lord of the Rings soundtrack. I didn't take my phone, I didn't turn the lights on...I just sat. I spent time with myself. And I felt more like a whole person than I feel like I have in a while. Time to yourself, completely by yourself, is something a bit lacking when you're living at home, as I was for the previous part of the summer. I had been having a bad day, and I was at the point where everything was just spiraling down into a bad place. So, basically, I gave myself a timeout. And I felt calm, and alone, and it was wonderful. It's the same feeling I get when I'm driving down a country road at night and can't see headlights from another car or even lights from civilization. It's being complete in yourself. That's something that I strive to feel more often.
However, as soon as I came back inside, all those worries and feelings of loneliness returned. When I'm surrounded by pictures and mementos and memories of life outside myself, I feel that part that I'm lacking right now and the loneliness and lacking comes back. And so I got my computer and wrote a blog post about what I was thinking that ended up being much more personal than I meant for it to be. Gah. I guess I was hoping for some huge revelation at the end, that maybe I would have figured my thoughts out, but that didn't happen. And now I'm stuck with that awkward feeling, as at the end of every blog entry, wondering if anyone will ever read this or if my thoughts will just bounce blindly around the blogosphere for all eternity, and then the secondary question of well, should I share it with others then? Present it like something they want to read and open myself up to ridicule and analyzation, even accusations of pretension? These are questions I have no answer to.
So, I suppose I will leave this entry with a challenge to myself, and anyone else who happens to read it. Battle loneliness, either with reassurance that you're not being forgotten or with interactions with friends. But, at the same time, relish solitude. Enjoy time to just be with yourself. Because, however trite it may sound, and despite the fact that I haven't necessarily found it true yet, I like to hope and believe that once you're happy being with yourself, other people will be happy to be with you also.
And there is my confused, cliched, crazed blog post for the night. Ciao.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary online defines solitude as:
1: the quality or state of being alone or remote from society: seclusion, or;
2: a lonely place (as a desert).
Whereas lonely is defined as:
1 a: being without company: lone,
b: cut off from others: solitary;
2: not frequented by human beings: desolate;
3: sad from being alone: lonesome;
4. producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation - loneliness.
So here, besides seeing that lonely has many more variations, we see a distinct difference in tone, or at least I do. While solitude is simply "being" alone, lonely is being "cut off"; one is voluntary, the other not. That, I believe, is the crux of the matter.
When I think of solitude, I think of something that is chosen, or at least something that you're accepting of. When I think of loneliness, the overwhelming secondary feeling is that of being separate, or of missing out. Is loneliness really just the worry that you're missing out on something, somewhere else? I know a lot of my feelings of loneliness arise from reminders that life goes on for my friends and those I care about without me...that I am separate from the chain of events I used to be part of. On the other hand, when I'm in a solitary mood, it's only about me. I'm in a place where I'm not even thinking about those outside influences...therefore, loneliness arises from a comparison to others, while solitude is a state of completeness without need for anyone else.
I just went and sat out on my deck - just me, my TCU blanket, and a Lord of the Rings soundtrack. I didn't take my phone, I didn't turn the lights on...I just sat. I spent time with myself. And I felt more like a whole person than I feel like I have in a while. Time to yourself, completely by yourself, is something a bit lacking when you're living at home, as I was for the previous part of the summer. I had been having a bad day, and I was at the point where everything was just spiraling down into a bad place. So, basically, I gave myself a timeout. And I felt calm, and alone, and it was wonderful. It's the same feeling I get when I'm driving down a country road at night and can't see headlights from another car or even lights from civilization. It's being complete in yourself. That's something that I strive to feel more often.
However, as soon as I came back inside, all those worries and feelings of loneliness returned. When I'm surrounded by pictures and mementos and memories of life outside myself, I feel that part that I'm lacking right now and the loneliness and lacking comes back. And so I got my computer and wrote a blog post about what I was thinking that ended up being much more personal than I meant for it to be. Gah. I guess I was hoping for some huge revelation at the end, that maybe I would have figured my thoughts out, but that didn't happen. And now I'm stuck with that awkward feeling, as at the end of every blog entry, wondering if anyone will ever read this or if my thoughts will just bounce blindly around the blogosphere for all eternity, and then the secondary question of well, should I share it with others then? Present it like something they want to read and open myself up to ridicule and analyzation, even accusations of pretension? These are questions I have no answer to.
So, I suppose I will leave this entry with a challenge to myself, and anyone else who happens to read it. Battle loneliness, either with reassurance that you're not being forgotten or with interactions with friends. But, at the same time, relish solitude. Enjoy time to just be with yourself. Because, however trite it may sound, and despite the fact that I haven't necessarily found it true yet, I like to hope and believe that once you're happy being with yourself, other people will be happy to be with you also.
And there is my confused, cliched, crazed blog post for the night. Ciao.
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