Saturday, May 28, 2011

Dreams

So, it seems a bit silly that, as an almost 22-year-old college graduate, on my 'grown-up' blog, my second post is going to relate to an animated Disney movie. But, it is what it is, and sometimes the most lasting and poignant of lessons come from the simplest places, in my experience.

One of the things I've been struggling a lot with since I've been home, and even before, is my future. I know this is a common concern for most college graduates; we have to find jobs, or grad schools, or some way to support ourselves in a world we're generally not as prepared for as we think we are. Now, I know that I'm lucky, in that I had my choice of graduate programs to attend and that I won't be incurring more student loans as I pursue my Masters degree. Still, I'm not sure if I'm happy with where I am.

I've always dreamed big. As a shy military kid who moved often and had difficulty connecting with peers, as well as had interests not generally shared by a lot of people, I've always lived more 'inside my head' than in the real world. Often, this has served me well, by causing me to be self-motivated and hard-working, as I would plan and dream and reach and not be limited by what other people thought, because generally, no one really knows what's going on in my head. And that's not where I was going with this, so, I'm breaking off that tangent.

Anyways, my point was, after you graduate, I find that there is a lot of time for self-reflection, as well as looking into the future. This was especially prompted in my life when I found out that I didn't receive the Fulbright grant. And I guess what I see worries me. Have I actually done anything I wanted to do at this point in my life? It could be short-term goals, like wanting to study abroad at TCU (didn't happen), or personal goals, like being part of a romantic relationship (also a no-go), or even some of the long-term goals like those I discovered written down when I was cleaning out all of the high school papers in my room (I'm not even going to get into those - let's just say, 16 year old me would be very disappointed in all the things 21 year old me hasn't done).

The thing is, when you're little, you don't have any real knowledge of reasonable deadlines. 21 seems ancient, and you're sure that if you're not dating your future husband by 18, you're out of luck. Similarly, you imagine that you'll travel great places, learn great truths, and so many other things that really can't be measured. So, if we don't accomplish these things, does that mean we've failed?

When I look back at my time at TCU, I accomplished so many things that 16 year old me could have never imagined. Sure, I may not have a boyfriend, but I completed a 50 page thesis and graduated with Honors, Magna Cum Laude. I may not have traveled the world, but I was the colorguard captain and traveled to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena and many other places besides. So, who's to say what constitutes a failure of your dreams, and what calls for a re-imagining?

That's where the Disney movie comes in (sometimes it takes a while for me to get to the point). I loved the movie Tangled as soon as I saw it, though it was hard for me to pin down why. Why was I so attached to this movie that's really probably meant for girls half my age, if not less? I've watched it twice in the past two days with various family members, and I think I may have pinned down one of the reasons. Like most Disney movies, Tangled puts a heavy emphasis on the importance and power of dreams. However, unlike most of the movies I remember from my childhood, rather than spending the whole movie building up to the final resolution, when the dream is realized, and leaving it there, Tangled deals with the situation of having more than one dream, and even having dreams that aren't perfect. The following scene sums it up well:

Rapunzel: I've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be?
Flynn Rider: It will be.
Rapunzel: And what if it is? What do I do then?
Flynn Rider: Well,that's the good part I guess. You get to go find a new dream.


While my situation is (definitely) not the same as Rapunzel, the truth of this just hit me when I was watching the movie last night. This is what I'm afraid of. I've been dreaming for so long, mostly dreaming of going to Italy, dreaming of having an impact, dreaming of doing something important with my life so that it really means something. What am I supposed to do when that dream seems to have passed me by? Like Rapunzel at the beginning of this scene, I'm scared. When dreams pass, it's a normal reaction. You put so much of yourself into a dream, if it really means something to you, that for better or for worse, with success or failure, it's a highly emotional time. Despite the fact that I knew at the outset that receiving a Fulbright was highly unlikely, I had to put so much of myself into the process in order to make it through that by the time I finally heard that I would not be receiving a grant, my own personal identity and well-being was tied up in that decision. I was devastated. In fact, I still can't even really handle thinking about it. That's a dream that failed, and it's intensely personal and difficult to make it through. Because my dream was so much a part of me, I feel like I have failed in my own person as well as the dream, and it's a hard thing to get over. Add to that the disappointment of others, and I dare anyone to not feel like an emotional wreck as I have. Still, that's where the second part of the scene comes in.

When Rapunzel asks what she's meant to do with her life when her dream is fulfilled, Flynn/Eugene responds that then it's just time for a new dream. While my dream may not have a happy ending like hers, it's time for a new dream. It's like my favorite saying, "Keep Calm and Carry On". The time for the Fulbright is in the past. It's over. I cannot do anything to change the outcome. I simply need to take the lessons learned and make a new dream.

Now, as an almost-22-year-old, I'm done making lists of things I hope I'll accomplish. I have dreams, but I also have options. Who knows what life has in store for me? Maybe 'the one' is just around the corner. Maybe I'll be on a flight to Italy before I even know what's hit me, in a context I wouldn't expect. Maybe everything is perfect and I'm exactly where I need to be. All I know is, whatever happens, I'll always have a dream to lead me.

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