Fear

When we're little, we fear many things: ghosts, wolves, the dark. These things plague us, shaping our reactions and dreams and even interactions with the world. However, these fears are mostly irrational (whatever the Doctor may say about the Vashta Nerada) and as we grow older and learn about the world, these fears fade away. That doesn't mean we're free from fear, though. It just means that we have new fears, fears grounded in experience and reality, and that makes them all the more terrifying.

I think one of the most commons fears we develop as adults is the fear of not knowing what to do. This fear takes at least two forms. There is the fear of not knowing what to do as it relates to yourself, and as it relates to others. One, the fear of not knowing to do in your own life, corresponds with failure, hopelessness, uncertainty, and even fear of the unknown. The other, the fear of not knowing what to do with others, brings helplessness and the pain of love.

I have sat and stared at this blogging window for a good fifteen minutes now, and it's already past 1:30 in the morning. I keep going back and forth...do I leave these statements here, just some abstract statements about fear that sound like I'm trying to be profound when I'm really not, or do I do what I came here to do and examine the personal stuff, the painful stuff? I guess I just answered my own question...so writing as catharsis it is.

I don't think the fear of not knowing what to do personally ever goes away. Which is horrible and depressing to think about, but there it is. That's me...making you think about the horrible and depressing things you don't want to think about. You think, oh, once I'm accepted to this school it'll be okay, once I get this job I'll be set, once I've achieved this life goal, met this person, crossed this off the list, then, then I'll be free from this cloying fear that I'm just as good as a random directionless mote of dust caught in the draft from a ceiling fan. But this fear, oh, this fear is devastating, because it has an unprecedented power to mutate. Because once you've chosen the school, it becomes, "Is this the right school for me?" "Should I even be going to school?" "Is this even what I want to do with my life?" It all comes back to this awful feeling that we need to know what we're doing for the rest of our lives NOW. If we don't have a plan that stretches thirty years into the future, with options A, B, and C and a contingency plan for each, we're so far behind we might as well give up, except you can't give up so instead you scramble to catch up and try to ignore the mostly imagined judgments of everyone else who is most likely just as lost and confused as you are. It's all in how adept they are at covering it up.

I have a lot of these fears. And I know I'm never going to get rid of them. Even if it were possible to dispose of these fears, which I don't believe, I never could because of my personality. But that doesn't mean I have to be paralyzed by them. These fears, horrible and terrifying as they may seem, can be turned to strength. When these fears change to determination, and a challenge to face, they are some of the greatest motivators I know.

Personal fears, though difficult and sometimes deterring, are exactly that...personal. They really only rely on one person, since they are generated inside of you and you have the power to overcome them. What about the fear of not knowing what to do when it comes to others, though? What are you supposed to do when you don't know how to help someone, when you are completely powerless and insufficient, and someone is hurting and lost and confused? If anyone knows the answer to this, I would appreciate the help because I'm honestly lost.