2011: A Year of Change

2011 really was an extraordinary year.  Not only was it an extraordinary year, but it was also a remarkably balanced year, a year of bookends, of each high with its accompanying low.  Still, as I look back, it's those high points that stick in my mind, that I know I'll remember for years.  Those moments are the ones that matter in this bigger picture of my life that I am just now beginning to see develop.

Just look at the very first day of this year.  January 1, 2011.  I was in Los Angeles, California.  I woke up at 4 in the morning, marched in the Rose Bowl Parade, performed my last halftime performance in the Rose Bowl, and cheered TCU on in their victory over Wisconsin.  Once in a lifetime, amazing experience!



And then, in contrast, the heartbreaking loss to Baylor at the beginning of this season.  It was my first game as an alum and much more emotional than I anticipated.  As my mom tells the story, the game hadn't even started yet when the cameras panned over the TCU marching band, I gasped out "Band!" and started crying.  It was hard to learn how to be a long-distance fan, but I watched every game this year and was even able to attend the Homecoming game against New Mexico.  It was also TCU's last year in the Mountain West, and I'm very excited to be a part of the Big 12 next year and continue to cheer for my Frogs, in good times and bad!

Technically, I suppose the most monumental event of 2011 would have to be my graduation from TCU in May.  Four years of hard work paid off, and my family was there to watch as I was inducted into Phi Beta Kappa, became an Honors Laureate at a ceremony in front of Frog Fountain, and then graduated with Honors in Art History, Magna Cum Laude, with a B.A. in English.  Just a few short days later it was time for another big change, as I packed up my apartment and moved back home, leaving behind my TCU family.

Still, the friendships I made were too strong to be damaged by the distance between Texas and Kansas.  I had barely been home three weeks when I saw my G-Little, Meridith, in Fort Scott.  Later my Big, Julie, came to visit me in July and I had a great time showing her around Kansas City.  I was also able to visit Fort Worth twice, once just because and once for Homecoming.  Julie and I took advantage of technology via Skype to have frequent catch-up dates, and when I didn't have anything else, I always had the scrapbook she made me as a graduation present to remind me of how much I was loved and of all of those whom I love...I even took it to the basement with me while taking shelter from a tornado!

2011 also marked a lot of development in my drive, passion, and development towards my future in art history.  In February, I found out that I was a finalist for a Fulbright grant to Italy, something I was obviously ecstatic about.  Unfortunately, in June I was informed that I did not receive the grant.  I was devastated.  However, I was one of 81 applications for my specific grant and one of 10 finalists, of which 5 received the grant.  That is still an accomplishment to be proud of, and not going to Italy opened to door for me to attend the University of Kansas.  While it has been challenging, I love the History of Art department at KU.  I've learned things I didn't even know I needed to learn and been exposed to more people and life experiences than I could have ever planned.  I also taught my first class; I was responsible for three discussion sections from a larger lecture class with around twenty students in each.  If that wasn't a learning experience, I don't know what is!

There are so many other events which marked my year.  I recently went shopping for bridesmaid dresses with one of my dearest friends.  Our family overcame many obstacles and I hope we are stronger for it.  I read a lot, saw a lot of good movies, and listened to the Lord of the Rings soundtracks more times than is probably healthy for one individual.  I discovered many things about myself and hopefully grew as a person, and also found areas that I will continue to work on in 2012.  I want to focus on my faith, including finding a church in Lawrence, travel more, enjoy life, and be happier with myself.

As one of my absolute favorite quotes says, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover." - Mark Twain  In 2012, I will endeavor to live this quote, to follow my heart, and to find joy in every moment.

Happy New Year's, everyone, and to many more years as exciting as 2011!


Photos from the year:

TCU Colorguard at the Rose Bowl!

The best Spring Break trip with three of the best friends a girl could have.

At my last KKY/TBS District Convention - banquet with my family!

At 3rd Degree - the best family ever!  I don't know what I'd do without my Pink! family.

After my Honors Thesis presentation with my Uncle Doug

Pink! family love forever <3

M&Ms in Frog Fountain!

The long awaited zoo date with my Little Kayla :)

Kiss the Frog - it's time for graduation!

Newly graduated with my parents

Great friends at my graduation party

My G-Little Meridith and I at Fort Scott!

My mom and I before we saw Josh Groban in concert!

My Big and I in Kansas

My sister and I before the Harry Potter midnight premiere

Kelsey and I were reunited!  And made butterbeer cupcakes

First trip to Fort Worth - Heart Start Walk with Beta Delta!

Homecoming - Go Frogs!

Yay for being reunited with friends :)

The big family Thanksgiving

Annual Starbucks and Christmas lights outing with the family

Jesus Take the Wheel

So, I was driving between Olathe and Lawrence this evening and I had my iPod on shuffle because I'm really tired of all the music I've been listening to, so I was trying to mix it up.  Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood came on and I almost skipped it, but at the last second decided not to.  So I'm just driving down the road singing along, and all of a sudden I just start crying.  Apparently that song was exactly what I needed to hear/pray at that moment, and so I'm sharing it in case someone else needs it like I did :)

Just Enough Time

Well, I’m back again!  For a while I honestly wasn’t sure if I would ever blog again.  I had an experience with the bad side of internet accessibility which considerably shook me up, and which still lends a bit of hesitancy to my actions.  However, I have really missed blogging, and I think that if it’s done responsibly (which I hope I accomplish) there’s no harm in it.  So, this is me, getting back on the horse after a bad fall.

The main catalyst for this blog post is a song.  People who know me know that I really don’t listen to the radio and I’m rarely up on popular music.  I’m much more likely to be cruising down the road listening to soundtracks than to be rocking out to the Top 20.  However, I found myself watching part of the Country Music Awards this past Wednesday.  I heard a lot of new, good music, but one song in particular caught my attention, and it’s been stuck in my head ever since.  The song, If I Die Young, by The Band Perry, is very popular, and for good reason.  It’s a beautiful, haunting song.

Obviously, it’s a lovely song.  One line in particular, though, has been reverberating around my head and really making me think. 

“I’ve had just enough time.”

In a song about dying young, this statement really stands out.  It makes me wonder…if I were to die tomorrow, would I feel like I’ve had enough time?  Am I living my life in such a way that I am accomplishing my dreams, that I’m making a difference, that I’m doing more than just living?

Recently, I’ve probably been especially guilty of getting through things just to get through them.  It’s sort of a defensive response to grad school; if I can just survive this seminar discussion, complete this assignment, get through this week of teaching, I can move on.  But really, this isn’t a satisfying way to live.

So, now, I’m going to change that.  When I die, God willing many many years from now, I want to be able to say that I’ve had just enough time.  I accomplished the things I wanted to accomplish, I made a difference in some way, but I didn’t live too long.  I’m living with purpose and joy starting…now.

My exciting Fall Break

Text conversation with my mom:

Me: I just ate cottage cheese out of a mug and it was probably the most exciting thing I did all day.

Mom: That is pretty sad!  Too bad you don't still have a blog to put that event on.

Me: Hahaha.  To be fair, it was really good cottage cheese in a cute mug.

Mom: Well there you go...

Isn't my Fall Break the most exciting you've ever heard of?  Add in a lot of reading about Degas and the French press and newspapers during the Counterrevolution and you can see why Fall Break as a grad student definitely isn't as cool as Fall Break as a normal college kid!

My Visit to Fort Worth!

So, a few weeks ago, I was able to finally go back to somewhere I've been longing to be...my second home, Fort Worth and TCU!  I just happened to have a free weekend the same time that all of my friends there were free because there was an away game, so I hopped on a plane and headed back to Cowtown :)

My lovely Little Kayla picked me up at the airport (after I got up at 5:00am to get to the airport, this will be important later) and I just about lost it then...I missed her so much!  Then we went to see Julie at her place of employment and had a tour of Brainhealth.  We headed back to Fort Worth and ate at the new In-N-Out Burger and then went back to her apartment until band.  I got to see Lauren then and catch up...and also watch the O.C., which Kayla and Lauren promised I would soon be addicted to and which indeed proved to be the case!

Anyways, it was soon time to leave for band practice.  I have honestly been really missing band, so I was glad to have the opportunity to go and I also got to see so many friends.  I received so many hugs in the space of ten minutes...I have rarely felt so loved.  I was so glad to see so many people: my museum buddy Michelle, Olivia, Natalie, Molly, Cristi, and the Amandas and so many others, and, it goes without saying, the rest of my family!  Being with Kayla, Audrey, Callie and Meridith again made me feel complete again, really bring home that I had felt like something was missing.  I love them all so much and seeing them again...ah, there are no words.  Anyways, so practice continued on and I got to help out with the rain jackets and see their show so far.  Then, at the end, I was able to sing with the chapter which definitely brought tears to my eyes.  I know that college can't go on forever...but I wish that I had more time to be in band and TBS with all of these people I love so much.

After practice, we met up with Julie for dinner at Pappasito's for some good old Tex-Mex like they definitely don't have in Lawrence!  We had a great dinner and a lot of fun together.  Then Julie and I went back to Kayla and Lauren's to get ready to go the Fray concert at TCU that night.  The concert was fun but not super exciting, though we got to hang out with Meridith and Callie some more.  Afterwards, we went out with some other people and had a very exciting night!  Long story short, though, we didn't go to bed until after 3:30, and I had been up since 5 that morning.  Yikes!

The next morning we were up bright and early too for the Heart Start Walk, which TBS has participated in since my sophomore year.  It was fun and afterwards Kayla and Traci and Joellen and I had a lovely breakfast at the Vickery Blvd Cafe.  Then Kayla I went back to her apartment and basically laid on her floor for hours until Meridith and Callie came over and inspired us to do something.  We went to this really neat and delicious pizza place called Pie-5 to eat and watch the TCU game.  After halftime, Amy and Allison came to meet us and it was more than I had hoped for to see them as well!  After the game was over, we went to this place called Sweet Sammies and had ice cream sandwiches...mine was purple, of course, to celebrate our victory!  Then Kayla and Callie and Meridith and I explored the new Charming Charlie's.  Callie had to leave but Kayla and Meridith and I watched one of our Pink! family movies, She's the Man.  Then we dropped Meridith off on campus and went to the Black-Out party at the drumline house.  However, it was super crowded and I was too tired to deal with crowds and so we left, got Whataburger, and watched some more O.C.

The next morning, we got up and Callie and Kayla drove me to the airport.  Being September 11th, I was worried about security, but it was fine in Dallas.  It was a bit surreal to be sitting there watching the ceremonies in New York while sitting in an airport...especially after my plane was delayed because of a bomb threat at KCI.  So, it took quite awhile to get home, and I was stressing about the week to come.  Still, I wouldn't trade my time in Fort Worth for anything!

So, there is an extremely detailed account of my time in Fort Worth.  I'm glad I didn't have to wait until Homecoming to see everyone again.  I really needed to renewal of being around my friends and people who loved me and I did not realize how much I missed being hugged!  Now I'm eagerly counting the days until I can go back for Homecoming!

The First Month of Grad School

So, given that I've been in grad school for a month, I should probably write a blog post about grad school, right? I mean, it's this huge, important part of my life now, something that's going to define my next three years and all the years to come...but I can sum it up in one sentence.

Grad school is hard.

Shocking revelation, I know. I'm sure you're staring at your computer screen in exasperation, thinking, "Well duh it's hard, Ashley, it is graduate school after all." And I would completely agree with you. I knew grad school was going to be hard. I knew that it would be challenging and difficult and stressful. I suppose what's surprising me is just how it's hard. Obviously, you have the subject material. All in all, that's not too much harder than undergrad. Sure, it's more concentrated, more in depth, but if you're taking good undergrad classes, the actual difficulty in terms of art history doesn't ratchet up too much. No, what gets you is the way your classes are structured. You see, what they don't tell you when preparing for grad school is that in addition to learning your actual subject, you'll need to learn how to be a grad student too. You'll be placed in classes with Ph.D. students, with people who have actual work experience in museums or elsewhere in the field, with older, more experienced Masters students. You'll have to keep up with the years of extra knowledge and experience they have, and try your hardest to keep your head above water. In addition to that, you'll be reading about four times more each week than you EVER had to read for ALL of your undergrad classes for just one class, and you have to be able to engage with and remember the material in a way that's just insane.

It's just...there's a whole extra level of things you have to learn that aren't in classes. And you're never really taught them...you just have to learn as you go along. It's overwhelming and stressful and scary, because it's so much that you're not really sure how you'll ever get to the level of those other students. And also, you're cut off from your support network and completely starting over so you don't even have friends to rely on...it's just all new, all hard, and all stressful.

And, now that I've complained about how hard it is, grad school is fun too! It's great to be a part of tight knit department, and I love being able to focus just on art history and learn a lot. Teaching is hard, but I'm really glad I have the opportunity to do so. I'm learning a lot and I have some really great and entertaining students. It's just a lot of difference in just about every aspect of my life and it's a lot to get used to. Still, I'm hopeful that I'll keep learning and soon I'll be much more comfortable with my role as a graduate student.

Summer Reading Pt. 3

19. Cheaper by the Dozen by Frank B. Gilbreth Jr. and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey



I found this book when I was cleaning out my room, and I simply had to reread it. I loved this story when I was younger and read it over and over. I like all of the little episodes that come together to make this picture of the life of the Gilbreths. The fact that it was true made it that much more enjoyable. While it doesn't have the same fond place in my heart that other beloved childhood books do, I enjoyed the chance to reread it this summer.

20. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee



I already talked about this in my novel reading blog, but I cannot believe I hadn't read this novel before. It was so much better than I thought it would be (really, sometimes I shouldn't doubt books that are deemed 'classics'). But I loved the characters and the story and it never felt slow. If you haven't read To Kill a Mockingbird, pick it up!

21. A Game of Thrones
22. A Clash of Kings



Okay. These were the books I really wanted to read this summer. As much as I usually try to stay away from things that are hyped, sometimes they're hyped because they're legitimately good. Such was the case with The Hunger Games, such was the case with this series. I haven't had a ton of money for books this second half of the summer, so I've paced myself a bit and not raced through them like I really want to. Either way, they're good. I'm completely engrossed and involved with the story and the characters. At times, it reminds me of Ken Follett and how no one can ever be happy, which isn't exactly uplifting reading. Still, I want to know what happens, so I keep reading. Also, the way the books are written, with successive chapters coming from the point of view of different characters, keeps me reading far longer than I mean to every night. I can't wait to read the next three in the series!

23. North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell



I started North and South before finals and had to put it down for thesis/finals. I finally picked it up again and it was enjoyable. While I loved the mini-series, I just liked the book. Maybe it's because all of the aspects of Margaret's character that I didn't care for in the show were so much more amplified in novel. Oh well. I liked it.

Melancholy

Kathy Nightingale: Why did you come here anyway?
Sally Sparrow: I love old things. They make me feel sad.
Kathy Nightingale: What's good about sad?
Sally Sparrow: It's happy for deep people.

The quote above (which happens to be from one of my favorite Doctor Who episodes, Blink) seems to describe my life lately. I'm not necessarily really sad, but I'm not really happy either. I'm just kind of melancholy. But I don't feel like I could tell people that I'm melancholy without them thinking there's something wrong. For me, melancholy isn't bad. It's like...salted caramel cupcakes. That little bit of salt makes the sweet so much better. Just like that, the little bit of sad makes me so much more aware of the happiness.

I can't really say why I feel so melancholy (though listening to Jar of Hearts obsessively probably isn't helping). Maybe it's just part of that time of change; everything else is going every which way, so why shouldn't my emotions? I'd much rather just be completely happy, but since I'm not, I suppose I'll just enjoy the mystery and depth of the melancholy and look forward to the happy contrast to come.

In Which Ashley Gets on a Soapbox

This is just a quick blurb, but I have something to say and no one to say it to...hence, using this blog!

I've been looking a lot into Mental Health Awareness, and what sort of groups and support and advocates there are, because it's important to me personally. In the course of this research, I am increasingly shocked (though I really shouldn't be) at the callousness and shear insensitivity of so many people on the internet. There's a campaign called "End the Stigma", which is all about changing the way the public perceives people with mental illness. This movement is great and I hope that it succeeds. However, in some areas I think it's gone way too far in the wrong direction. People glorify their perceived disorders. Now, I'm not going to say that these people don't necessarily have any sort of problems. However, I'm really skeptical about the people like those on Tumblr who post these "Mental Disorder Quizzes" where they answer maybe seven very open questions about various disorders and suddenly they have ADHD, OCD, Bulimia, Depression, and many others, all at once. I'm sorry for them if they really feel they have all of these illnesses...but seriously, taking a quiz like that and posting it on a social media or blog site such as Tumblr just smacks of begging for attention, sympathy, and maybe even being 'cool', since sadly in some social groups your status seems to be measured by how messed up you are.

Basically, this is what I have to say. If you feel like you have a mental disorder, do something about it. Talk to a friend, a doctor, someone to trust. At the very least do your research so that you can better understand the disorder. Get help, and if your help comes from talking to others and being public about your disorder, that's your way. However, don't trivialize it. There are so many people who are really suffering, and they have enough to deal with without trivializing what they are fighting through.

Solitude vs. Loneliness

I've been living on my own for two weeks now, and I'm still in that awkward time where you're in a new area but don't have new friends, so I've had a lot of time to myself. Obviously, a lot of that time is spent feeling rather lonely. Before I went to college, I would have said that I liked being alone; I've always been fairly independent and self-sufficient, and a good book was all I really needed in terms of company. Now, however, I know better than ever the aching pains of loneliness. So, what changed? Why do I feel the lack of companionship so much more now than I did before? The answer to that, I believe, lies in the difference between solitude and loneliness.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary online defines solitude as:
1: the quality or state of being alone or remote from society: seclusion, or;
2: a lonely place (as a desert).

Whereas lonely is defined as:
1 a: being without company: lone,
b: cut off from others: solitary;
2: not frequented by human beings: desolate;
3: sad from being alone: lonesome;
4. producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation - loneliness.

So here, besides seeing that lonely has many more variations, we see a distinct difference in tone, or at least I do. While solitude is simply "being" alone, lonely is being "cut off"; one is voluntary, the other not. That, I believe, is the crux of the matter.

When I think of solitude, I think of something that is chosen, or at least something that you're accepting of. When I think of loneliness, the overwhelming secondary feeling is that of being separate, or of missing out. Is loneliness really just the worry that you're missing out on something, somewhere else? I know a lot of my feelings of loneliness arise from reminders that life goes on for my friends and those I care about without me...that I am separate from the chain of events I used to be part of. On the other hand, when I'm in a solitary mood, it's only about me. I'm in a place where I'm not even thinking about those outside influences...therefore, loneliness arises from a comparison to others, while solitude is a state of completeness without need for anyone else.

I just went and sat out on my deck - just me, my TCU blanket, and a Lord of the Rings soundtrack. I didn't take my phone, I didn't turn the lights on...I just sat. I spent time with myself. And I felt more like a whole person than I feel like I have in a while. Time to yourself, completely by yourself, is something a bit lacking when you're living at home, as I was for the previous part of the summer. I had been having a bad day, and I was at the point where everything was just spiraling down into a bad place. So, basically, I gave myself a timeout. And I felt calm, and alone, and it was wonderful. It's the same feeling I get when I'm driving down a country road at night and can't see headlights from another car or even lights from civilization. It's being complete in yourself. That's something that I strive to feel more often.

However, as soon as I came back inside, all those worries and feelings of loneliness returned. When I'm surrounded by pictures and mementos and memories of life outside myself, I feel that part that I'm lacking right now and the loneliness and lacking comes back. And so I got my computer and wrote a blog post about what I was thinking that ended up being much more personal than I meant for it to be. Gah. I guess I was hoping for some huge revelation at the end, that maybe I would have figured my thoughts out, but that didn't happen. And now I'm stuck with that awkward feeling, as at the end of every blog entry, wondering if anyone will ever read this or if my thoughts will just bounce blindly around the blogosphere for all eternity, and then the secondary question of well, should I share it with others then? Present it like something they want to read and open myself up to ridicule and analyzation, even accusations of pretension? These are questions I have no answer to.

So, I suppose I will leave this entry with a challenge to myself, and anyone else who happens to read it. Battle loneliness, either with reassurance that you're not being forgotten or with interactions with friends. But, at the same time, relish solitude. Enjoy time to just be with yourself. Because, however trite it may sound, and despite the fact that I haven't necessarily found it true yet, I like to hope and believe that once you're happy being with yourself, other people will be happy to be with you also.

And there is my confused, cliched, crazed blog post for the night. Ciao.

Saying Goodbye to Harry Potter

I first met Harry Potter when I was in fifth grade. I was just as much of a bookworm then as I am now, and my parents knew the easiest way to get me out of the way was to capture my imagination with a new book. So, when it came time to move to a new house, they presented me with a brand new hardback copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. I don’t think they had any idea just what they had started.

I devoured that book. I still remember lying on my stomach in the empty living room of that house in Tucson, completely enraptured by the world of magic, wizards, and friendship that J.K. Rowling spun out of thin air as though she were magical herself. I don’t remember exactly how I got the next two books, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, both of which were released shortly after I started reading the series, but I know that I read them just as quickly. Those books were like friends themselves in a time when I had very few real friends. I read them over and over and over, so many times that I lost count after 15 each, and they are the most clearly loved out of my books today. I was captured.

When the first movie came out, I read the newspaper articles and reviews almost as avidly as the original books. I begged and begged my parents to take me to see it. However, this was still in the midst of the “Harry Potter is teaching our children witchcraft!” phase, and while my parents didn’t stop me from reading the books, they weren’t exactly eager to take me to see the film. I was a sad, obsessed child. I wanted to go see that movie so badly that I repeatedly dreamed about seeing the movie, meeting the actors, even being in the movie. Finally, after what in my memory was a month but could really be any amount of time, I got the see the movie, and I was even more in love than before.

Each year, as a new movie or new book came out I would await it with the highest expectations. As Harry, Hermione, and Ron grew up, I grew up with them. I was almost always the exact age that the characters themselves were, and as such their struggles were often similar to mine, minus the whole magic thing. When the fifth book came out and Harry was pining after Cho Chang, I was experiencing my first real crush as well. When the sixth book came out and new responsibilities and realities were laid upon the characters, I was discovering the harsh realities of life after moving to a new state. And when that final climax arrived and Harry fulfilled the goal he’d been working towards for seven years, I had just graduated from high school and found comfort in the shared ending with those characters I had loved for so long.

Beyond the connection I had with the characters and events of the books themselves, Harry Potter fostered great memories and friendships in my own life. I still remember my first midnight book event, which was probably the first time I was out past midnight ever. It was when the fifth book came out, and Sammy and I waited eagerly at the Barnes and Noble for hours, until midnight when we discovered we were supposed to have numbered tickets. Needless to say, we were very far back in line and didn’t get our books until after three in the morning. When the seventh and final book came out, Miriah, Kelsey, Katie and I didn’t hold back in the slightest, but proved ourselves true fans by dressing to the hilt as Professor Trelawney, Tonks, Bellatrix, and Professor McGonagall. Our costumes were so impressive that people actually asked to take pictures with us at Borders. I still remember that feeling of sharing something I loved so much with people I loved, as we rushed home and all sat in my basement for hours devouring the words J.K. Rowling had crafted until we physically couldn’t keep our eyes open any longer. When the second to last movie came out, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, Sammy and I were reunited in our love for the boy wizard, now 21 years old but still as much in love with the story as we were when we were 14. And now, the final movie is coming out, and I’m somehow supposed to say goodbye.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to say goodbye to this amazing series that has meant so much to me. Part of it is that feeling that, with the passing of Harry Potter, is the passing of my childhood. As a recent college graduate, I really have to grow up now. Maybe I’m not at my ‘Nineteen years later’ yet, but I’ve gone beyond what I can experience with Harry and Co. That doesn’t mean, though, that I can’t take them with me.

As I’ve grown, my appreciation for and love of the series has grown as well. My favorite characters have changed (with a few exceptions). I have started to appreciate the crafting of the words that Rowling uses just as much as the story she tells with them. I’ve taken life lessons and personal convictions and so much more from these books. And, perhaps most of all, I have learned to look back and appreciate how far those seven books and I have come.

In a way, it all comes down to Neville Longbottom. Neville has long been one of my favorite characters, perhaps because I can so identify with him. As much as I seem to be a Hermione at times, when I was first reading these books I was the lonely, awkward, chubby child who was picked on and didn’t quite seem to belong, just as Neville was. So, it was with delight that I watched Neville grow and develop and learn throughout the series. At the end, Neville proves to be one of the bravest of them all! I hope that I have grown as Neville has, and looking back, I think I have. While I might not have slain a snake/Horcrux, I’ve stood up for what I believe in, taken risks, and become truly myself, just as Neville grew into a fully realized character.

I find myself dragging out this blog entry because I’m not prepared for the end. I don’t know what my life will be like after Harry Potter. My recent complete re-reading of the books simply emphasized what these books mean to me. I suppose, though, that my life won’t ever really be without Harry Potter. My books will continue to travel with me to everywhere I live. Someday, I look forward to reading these books with my own children and watching them discover Harry’s magical world for themselves. I suppose, in the end, it all comes down to the words of J.K. Rowling herself:

“No story lives unless someone wants to listen…the stories we love best do live in us forever. So whether you come back by page or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home.”

The Terror of Five Years

During the week of graduation, my mom gave me a book. Actually, she gave me several books, but in particular she gave me A Line a Day book. In this book, I am meant to write a sentence or so every day for five years about what is happening in my life. At first, it was just a neat idea. It was sort of a continuation of my Suddenly a Senior blog, an easy way to remember what happens in my life. As time goes on though, it becomes a wee bit terrifying.

You see, the thing is, a lot can happen in five years. Five years ago, I was at DCI band camp in Illinois. I was about to start my senior year of high school. In that five years, I've graduated twice, performed in four different Bowl games, met so many people who've changed my life, lived in five different places, had surgery, been an intern, and so many other things, many of which I would have never expected five years ago. So that begs the question...what is going to happen in the next five years?

There is pretty much exactly one thing that I am reasonably sure will happen in the next five years. Three years from now, I will graduate from KU with my Masters in Art History. However, that's just the bare bones. What will it be like? What will I learn? Where will I go after that?

While the uncertainty of the next five years is a little frightening, that's not what really terrifies me. Everything is always uncertain. That's true whether you're five, twenty-five, or one hundred and five. No, what terrifies me about this next five years is that things are expected of me.

I know that my mom gave me this book in the hopes that it would be a record of important events in my life, things like graduations, but also maybe trips to Italy or meeting 'the one' or my first real job. And while I know it was given with no real expectations on me, specifically, it kind of hits on a sore point, namely, my lack of significant other at really any point in my life, but especially now as I reach maturity. There isn't a visit home that passes without some reference to how when it happens, I'll fall so fast I won't know what hits me, or what my "type" is, or how everyone is waiting for me. My sister said something to that effect just the other day, about how the whole family just wants me to find someone. She said it in the sense that they'll be happy for me and want me to have that, but still. When I look back at the past, it's hard to imagine that there is going to be someone for me in five years. Then I realize that in five years I'll be 27, and I'm terrified that there won't be someone for me. But then I don't know what's scarier...that there might not be someone, or the fact that in the realm of human possibility it is completely possible for me to meet someone and even get married and have a child in five years. I want to say no, this won't happen, but I don't really have any control over that (though I'm really not planning on any children in the next five years). I mean, I want to find 'the one'...who doesn't? But I'm not sure I'm ready, and with five years seeming both so long and so short I guess I'm just scared either way.

Five years...who knows what will happen. I just hope that I can face these next five years without fear of what the future may bring and without being encumbered by the expectations of others. If I can manage that, then in five years hopefully I'll be able to look back at the past five years as fondly as I look back at the five years I just experienced.

Summer Reading Pt. 2

I have been horrible at blogging this summer, and it's not that I'm super busy or don't have things to blog about...I guess I'm just a bit lazy, or something. Anyways, while I haven't been blogging, I have been reading! Here's what I've read since my last summer reading post.

8. The Deeds of the Disturber by Elizabeth Peters
9. The Golden One by Elizabeth Peters



I got five of these books at the library sale and I'm sorry, but they're some of my favorite summer books to read. I mean..Victorian era? Egypt? Archaeology? These books are so me.

10. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien



This was the book I was forgetting from the last entry! I fell in love with the Lord of the Rings trilogy when I first read it about nine years ago, though I didn't read the Hobbit until a little while after that. While I enjoy The Hobbit, it has no where near the place in my heart that Lord of the Rings does. Still, in honor of the movie coming out (in December 2012, how shall I wait?!?) I decided it was time for me to finally own and reread this book. It didn't disappoint at all and it was a nice enjoyable read, as usual.

11. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte



For graduating with my BA in English a few months ago, and loving reading since I was very very young, I have huge glaring gaps in my classical literature knowledge. I had never read Wuthering Heights before, and didn't much want to...I still remembered struggled through Jane Eyre the first time, and I felt the Bronte sisters just weren't for me. Plus, I basically knew the story, and as someone who is very driven by characters, the idea of a whole novel with no real redeeming characters was a bit off-putting. Still, my Little Audrey was reading it this summer so I decided to read it with her. I'm glad that I did, though I can't say that it is anywhere near my favorites list.

12. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling
13. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling
14. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling
15. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling
16. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling
17. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling
18. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling



So...the last Harry Potter movie is coming out in a week, if you'd been living under a rock and were somehow unaware of this fact! Harry Potter has pretty much been my childhood, adolescence, young adulthood...everything. I'm going to write a very long post about this next week, so I'm not going to talk about it here, but I felt that at the end, I had to go back to the beginning, and remember why I really love this series...the story. Reading these books now, as a 22-year-old college graduate is so different from reading them as the 10-year-old lying on the bare carpet in a new house, but the world that Rowling creates engrosses me just the same. Reading the first four was like greeting old friends...I knew many passages by heart, and even the creases and stains on the pages have stories to tell. My Prisoner of Azkaban is especially guilty of this; not only are the pages falling off the binding because I read it so many times, it has pages gnawed by an escaped hamster, aptly enough, named Scabbers (and no, I am so not making this up). It's been an emotional and exciting experience, and I'm sure that watching the film next week is going to be highly emotional for many fans, me not the least.

The Great Harry Potter Re-Read

So, in preparation the final installment of the Harry Potter series in movie form, I am rereading all of the Harry Potter books. Basically, I'm trying to read eight chapters a day, but I have a few days built in just in case I get behind (which I currently am). Anyways, here's the schedule.


June 16th: Sorcerer’s Stone 1-8
June 17th: Sorcerer’s Stone 9-16
June 18th: Sorcerer’s Stone 17, Chamber of Secrets 1-7
June 19th: Chamber of Secrets 8-15
June 20th: Chamber of Secrets 16-18, Prisoner of Azkaban 1-5
June 21st: Prisoner of Azkaban 6-14
June 22nd: Prisoner of Azkaban 15-22, Goblet of Fire 1
June 23rd: Goblet of Fire 2-9
June 24th: Goblet of Fire 10-17
June 25th: Goblet of Fire 18-25
June 26th: Goblet of Fire 26-33
June 27th: Goblet of Fire 34-37, Order of the Phoenix 1-4
June 28th: Order of the Phoenix 5-12
June 29th: Order of the Phoenix 13-20
June 30th: Order of the Phoenix 21-28
July 1st: Order of the Phoenix 29-36
July 2nd: Order of the Phoenix 37-38, Half Blood Prince 1-6
July 3rd: Half Blood Prince 7-14
July 4th: Half Blood Prince 15-22
July 5th: Half Blood Prince 23-30
July 6th: Deathly Hallows 1-8
July 7th: Deathly Hallows 9-16
July 8th: Deathly Hallows 17-24
July 9th: Deathly Hallows 25-32
July 10th: Deathly Hallows 33-End

I'm looking forward to reading them all again! It's been great so far.

My 22nd Birthday

Today was my 22nd birthday. Taa-daa! I’m now officially old. ish. Oldish. I’ve decided that’s the technical term for that awkward age when you’re expected to be a responsible functioning adult but you still don’t really know anything.

Anyways, so, since I’m incredibly indecisive, as anyone who knows me can tell you, my mom decided to take the birthday decisions out of my hands and plan a surprise secret birthday field trip. As that may or may not imply, that means that I didn’t know anything that was going to happen on my birthday beforehand. Usually, I need to know everything, but it was fine. I really was pretty chill, for me.

The first stop on our voyage was the Overland Park Arboretum, to see the Monet gardens there. They were beautiful…but it was hot and humid! Which meant that the rest of the day was spent with that slightly uncomfortable feeling you get when you’ve been out in the sun in clothes that aren’t shorts and a t-shirt. Still, it was amazing how much the Monet gardens looked like his paintings, and I’m sure we’ll go back when the weather is a little more hospitable.

The next stop was at the Three Women and an Oven bakery, where we picked up my birthday cake! It was a gorgeous pink and sparkly pink champagne cake. We were very concerned with keeping it from melting, but luckily we had a cooler, so we carefully packaged it all up and headed off to the next destination.

Next, we headed over to Brookside to go to Reading Reptile. Reading Reptile is a children’s bookstore, full of decoration and atmosphere. We had fun looking at the books and remembering old favorites, and I got an adorable book there called Pigasso and Mootisse (obviously, going off of Picasso and Matisse). It’s really cute and clever.

After the bookstore, we went to the Plaza to have lunch at Jack Stack BBQ, only the best bbq restaurant ever! It was delicious, as always, and nice to be in the good a/c for a while.

The Plaza is right next to the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art, and though the museum itself was closed, we went and walked around the sculpture garden and the grounds so that I could turn 22 at a museum like I did last year, at the Kimbell. Basically, that means being there at 3:07, thankfully an easy time, unlike my sister’s one-something in the morning.

After the Nelson, we went to some shops on the Plaza, and then we went to Baron BMW so that I could look at the Minis! I was just expecting to be able to sit in one, but I actually got to drive one! I love the inside, though the clutch was so finicky in the manual that I drove that I might just have to pay more for the automatic, because it was majorly stressing me out. Still, so much fun and a good educational experience.

That was the last stop on our voyage, so we headed home, relaxed for a bit, and then ate my delicious cake. It was a good birthday, and only could have been better if I had been able to see all of my friends in Texas. Still, I got to read their amazing and loving comments on my Facebook wall, and that will have to be good enough for now.

Friendship and Sacrifice

I just returned home from seeing The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring - Extended Edition in theaters. It was 3 hours and 50 minutes of beautiful cinematography, gorgeous music, amazing acting, and one of the most emotionally stirring stories I've ever read or seen. I've been in love with J.R.R. Tolkien's masterpiece since I first cracked open The Fellowship of the Rings when I was in the eighth grade. Back then, I wasn't really into philosophy and analyzing why I loved the series so much... I just knew that it was a great story that really captured me and stuck with me.

Now, while I know I haven't even scratched the surface of all the reasons I love Lord of the Rings, I know one of the main reasons. It's the idea of friendship, and therefore sacrifice.

Friendship has always been an important feature in my life. As a young teenager, I treasured my friendships because they were so few and rare. Now, I'm blessed with many many friends in many different places, and my friends are all the more precious to me because we've been through so much. I would give anything for any of my friends, be there in any circumstance, do anything within my power for them. While part of being a friend is doing these things without expecting anything in return, I don't think a true, lasting, bonding friendship can be formed without this ideal on both sides. So, to me, friendship and sacrifice are irreparably tied together. Whether they're big sacrifices or small, true friendship involves being willing and able to sacrifice anything needed for your friends, because you love them.

In my view, there is no greater story of love and friendship than the Lord of the Rings. There are so many characters who constantly exhibit their love for each other...I mean, they start out as a fellowship, that's kind of the point. However, I'm going to focus on the greatest group of friends: Sam and Frodo, Merry and Pippin, and all of them together. I could go on forever about this, but in the interests of time and being concise, I'm going to focus on instances from The Fellowship of the Ring, since I just saw it tonight and therefore it's the freshest in my mind.

First, you have to look at how they start. While Frodo has a sense of responsibility to see the quest through (however misguided that responsibility may be), Sam, Merry, and Pippin have no reason to leave the home they've always known and face unknown and untold dangers. However, they do, because Frodo is going, and they're going to support him in anyway they know know. That takes courage, and sacrifice, and love. Move on to instances like on Amon Sul/Weathertop, or the Mines of Moria, when those three are willing to sacrifice their immediate safety to protect Frodo. Now, you could argue that they're protecting the Ring, which I'm sure is true. However, I believe that especially at this early point in the narrative, they're much more concerned protecting their friend than some still abstract terror from Mordor.

They all have opportunities to give up. They all have chances to turn back, stay in some safe haven for however long it remains safe. But no. They stay with Frodo as long as they are physically able. Their willingness to sacrifice for friendship is so evident at the end of the Fellowship of the Ring. As the Urak Hai are attacking, and Frodo is attempting to flee to the boats, he runs into Merry and Pippin. Once they realize that he is leaving, rather than arguing, being selfish and trying to keep their friend with them, or panicking, they take action. They draw the Urak Hai towards them, deflecting them from Frodo and putting themselves in the path of the most terrifying, immediate threat they have faced to that point, for the most part completely alone. But they sacrifice their well-being to protect their friend.

Samwise Gamgee...I don't even know where to start with Sam. He loves and loves and loves and protects throughout the series...and he's the one who is the furthest out of his comfort zone. He loves the Shire, but he loves Frodo more, and he constantly sacrifices for their friendship. At no time in the first part is this more clear than when Frodo is trying to leave Sam behind, trying to protect him. But Sam will have none of that. Despite the fact that he cannot swim and is in fact deathly afraid of water, he walks right in after Frodo, willing to drown, though he has to know that Frodo will come back for him. This is love. This is devotion. This is sacrifice. And this...this is friendship, the type of friendship that I hope that I have and that I offer.

Summer Reading pt. 1

This isn't really an in-depth, thought-provoking blog post, but hey, we all need something a little light once in a while, right? Anyways, one of my favorite things about summer is, obviously, SUMMER READING! I love to read, and while I still read a lot during the school year, when I'm not reading for school I usually stick to old favorites and easy reads so I can get through them quickly and it's okay if I can't finish because of time constraints. So, summer means it's time for me to go crazy with my reading list, and this year will be especially so, since it'll be the first summer of my 100 Greatest Novels reading challenge (side note, if you're interested in that, check out my other blog, ashleyandauthors.blogspot.com ) So, I thought it'd be nice just to have an ongoing list of what I've read this summer, maybe with some comments or whatnot. If you have any recommendations for reading they're always appreciated!

Summer Reading List 2011

1. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
2. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
3. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins



Okay, so, these three books were so worth the hype. I'm not sure how I feel about the movie coming out, but I RACED through these books. I could not put down my Kindle (it was a grad present from my grandparents and these were the first books I read on it). So amazing. I love anything with good character development or strong characters in general, and that was definitely the case with this trilogy. Also, I have a soft spot for dystopian settings...something about how people react when there's little ot no hope really interests me. So, if you're looking for a summer book, READ THESE!

4. World without End by Ken Follett



This book is the sequel to Pillars of the Earth, which I loved, but I was hesitant to read it because it's set years after Pillars and doesn't use the same characters. Still, I decided to try it and I'm glad I did. It was great and engrossing, and as usual the history aspects of Follett's writing are really interesting, as well as the religious and political aspects. His books are a bit emotionally trying to read, though, because nothing EVER works out for the 'good' characters until the very very end. Still, a good read.

5. The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner



Ugh, this book. It was torture. It was the first book on my list of 100 Novels and let's just say I'm not a fan of Faulkner's writing style, which is a bit worrying since I think he has two more novels on the list. Oye vey.

6. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card



I cannot believe it took me eight years from first hearing about this book to finally read it. It was engrossing and I read it in about a day (admittedly, it is written for children and rather short, but still). Once again, character development. Dystopia. So good. And I love a book that makes you think without beating you over the head with obscure concepts.

7. The Crocodile on the Sandbank by Elizabeth Peters



Okay, so...the Amelia Peabody series is my guilty pleasure. They're mystery novels and set in Victorian times, with Egyptologists, so I can hardly help myself. I bought a few for fifty cents at the library sale, so I'm rereading them. They're fluff...but hey, it's summer, so it's allowed.

I feel like I'm missing a book or two, but I'm going to let it be since I'll be updating this list throughout the summer. So, until then, happy reading!

Fear

When we're little, we fear many things: ghosts, wolves, the dark. These things plague us, shaping our reactions and dreams and even interactions with the world. However, these fears are mostly irrational (whatever the Doctor may say about the Vashta Nerada) and as we grow older and learn about the world, these fears fade away. That doesn't mean we're free from fear, though. It just means that we have new fears, fears grounded in experience and reality, and that makes them all the more terrifying.

I think one of the most commons fears we develop as adults is the fear of not knowing what to do. This fear takes at least two forms. There is the fear of not knowing what to do as it relates to yourself, and as it relates to others. One, the fear of not knowing to do in your own life, corresponds with failure, hopelessness, uncertainty, and even fear of the unknown. The other, the fear of not knowing what to do with others, brings helplessness and the pain of love.

I have sat and stared at this blogging window for a good fifteen minutes now, and it's already past 1:30 in the morning. I keep going back and forth...do I leave these statements here, just some abstract statements about fear that sound like I'm trying to be profound when I'm really not, or do I do what I came here to do and examine the personal stuff, the painful stuff? I guess I just answered my own question...so writing as catharsis it is.

I don't think the fear of not knowing what to do personally ever goes away. Which is horrible and depressing to think about, but there it is. That's me...making you think about the horrible and depressing things you don't want to think about. You think, oh, once I'm accepted to this school it'll be okay, once I get this job I'll be set, once I've achieved this life goal, met this person, crossed this off the list, then, then I'll be free from this cloying fear that I'm just as good as a random directionless mote of dust caught in the draft from a ceiling fan. But this fear, oh, this fear is devastating, because it has an unprecedented power to mutate. Because once you've chosen the school, it becomes, "Is this the right school for me?" "Should I even be going to school?" "Is this even what I want to do with my life?" It all comes back to this awful feeling that we need to know what we're doing for the rest of our lives NOW. If we don't have a plan that stretches thirty years into the future, with options A, B, and C and a contingency plan for each, we're so far behind we might as well give up, except you can't give up so instead you scramble to catch up and try to ignore the mostly imagined judgments of everyone else who is most likely just as lost and confused as you are. It's all in how adept they are at covering it up.

I have a lot of these fears. And I know I'm never going to get rid of them. Even if it were possible to dispose of these fears, which I don't believe, I never could because of my personality. But that doesn't mean I have to be paralyzed by them. These fears, horrible and terrifying as they may seem, can be turned to strength. When these fears change to determination, and a challenge to face, they are some of the greatest motivators I know.

Personal fears, though difficult and sometimes deterring, are exactly that...personal. They really only rely on one person, since they are generated inside of you and you have the power to overcome them. What about the fear of not knowing what to do when it comes to others, though? What are you supposed to do when you don't know how to help someone, when you are completely powerless and insufficient, and someone is hurting and lost and confused? If anyone knows the answer to this, I would appreciate the help because I'm honestly lost.

Dreams

So, it seems a bit silly that, as an almost 22-year-old college graduate, on my 'grown-up' blog, my second post is going to relate to an animated Disney movie. But, it is what it is, and sometimes the most lasting and poignant of lessons come from the simplest places, in my experience.

One of the things I've been struggling a lot with since I've been home, and even before, is my future. I know this is a common concern for most college graduates; we have to find jobs, or grad schools, or some way to support ourselves in a world we're generally not as prepared for as we think we are. Now, I know that I'm lucky, in that I had my choice of graduate programs to attend and that I won't be incurring more student loans as I pursue my Masters degree. Still, I'm not sure if I'm happy with where I am.

I've always dreamed big. As a shy military kid who moved often and had difficulty connecting with peers, as well as had interests not generally shared by a lot of people, I've always lived more 'inside my head' than in the real world. Often, this has served me well, by causing me to be self-motivated and hard-working, as I would plan and dream and reach and not be limited by what other people thought, because generally, no one really knows what's going on in my head. And that's not where I was going with this, so, I'm breaking off that tangent.

Anyways, my point was, after you graduate, I find that there is a lot of time for self-reflection, as well as looking into the future. This was especially prompted in my life when I found out that I didn't receive the Fulbright grant. And I guess what I see worries me. Have I actually done anything I wanted to do at this point in my life? It could be short-term goals, like wanting to study abroad at TCU (didn't happen), or personal goals, like being part of a romantic relationship (also a no-go), or even some of the long-term goals like those I discovered written down when I was cleaning out all of the high school papers in my room (I'm not even going to get into those - let's just say, 16 year old me would be very disappointed in all the things 21 year old me hasn't done).

The thing is, when you're little, you don't have any real knowledge of reasonable deadlines. 21 seems ancient, and you're sure that if you're not dating your future husband by 18, you're out of luck. Similarly, you imagine that you'll travel great places, learn great truths, and so many other things that really can't be measured. So, if we don't accomplish these things, does that mean we've failed?

When I look back at my time at TCU, I accomplished so many things that 16 year old me could have never imagined. Sure, I may not have a boyfriend, but I completed a 50 page thesis and graduated with Honors, Magna Cum Laude. I may not have traveled the world, but I was the colorguard captain and traveled to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena and many other places besides. So, who's to say what constitutes a failure of your dreams, and what calls for a re-imagining?

That's where the Disney movie comes in (sometimes it takes a while for me to get to the point). I loved the movie Tangled as soon as I saw it, though it was hard for me to pin down why. Why was I so attached to this movie that's really probably meant for girls half my age, if not less? I've watched it twice in the past two days with various family members, and I think I may have pinned down one of the reasons. Like most Disney movies, Tangled puts a heavy emphasis on the importance and power of dreams. However, unlike most of the movies I remember from my childhood, rather than spending the whole movie building up to the final resolution, when the dream is realized, and leaving it there, Tangled deals with the situation of having more than one dream, and even having dreams that aren't perfect. The following scene sums it up well:

Rapunzel: I've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be?
Flynn Rider: It will be.
Rapunzel: And what if it is? What do I do then?
Flynn Rider: Well,that's the good part I guess. You get to go find a new dream.

While my situation is (definitely) not the same as Rapunzel, the truth of this just hit me when I was watching the movie last night. This is what I'm afraid of. I've been dreaming for so long, mostly dreaming of going to Italy, dreaming of having an impact, dreaming of doing something important with my life so that it really means something. What am I supposed to do when that dream seems to have passed me by? Like Rapunzel at the beginning of this scene, I'm scared. When dreams pass, it's a normal reaction. You put so much of yourself into a dream, if it really means something to you, that for better or for worse, with success or failure, it's a highly emotional time. Despite the fact that I knew at the outset that receiving a Fulbright was highly unlikely, I had to put so much of myself into the process in order to make it through that by the time I finally heard that I would not be receiving a grant, my own personal identity and well-being was tied up in that decision. I was devastated. In fact, I still can't even really handle thinking about it. That's a dream that failed, and it's intensely personal and difficult to make it through. Because my dream was so much a part of me, I feel like I have failed in my own person as well as the dream, and it's a hard thing to get over. Add to that the disappointment of others, and I dare anyone to not feel like an emotional wreck as I have. Still, that's where the second part of the scene comes in.

When Rapunzel asks what she's meant to do with her life when her dream is fulfilled, Flynn/Eugene responds that then it's just time for a new dream. While my dream may not have a happy ending like hers, it's time for a new dream. It's like my favorite saying, "Keep Calm and Carry On". The time for the Fulbright is in the past. It's over. I cannot do anything to change the outcome. I simply need to take the lessons learned and make a new dream.

Now, as an almost-22-year-old, I'm done making lists of things I hope I'll accomplish. I have dreams, but I also have options. Who knows what life has in store for me? Maybe 'the one' is just around the corner. Maybe I'll be on a flight to Italy before I even know what's hit me, in a context I wouldn't expect. Maybe everything is perfect and I'm exactly where I need to be. All I know is, whatever happens, I'll always have a dream to lead me.

Swedish Fish, or, the time I saw Josh Groban in concert

I went to my first real arena concert tonight, when I went to the Sprint Center and saw Josh Groban. It was amazing. It was everything I would have hoped for a concert to be.

First of all, Josh Groban is amazing. He is an amazing performer, and adorable, and hilarious, and seems to really like his fans, and just seems like a real guy. He imitated Stewie from Family Guy for like five minutes, and fell down when he was running around the fans, and made awkward jokes, and if he could eat one thing for the rest of his life, it'd be SWEDISH FISH!!!! Also, his middle name is Winslow. It doesn't get much better than that.

His voice was just as beautiful in person as it is on his albums. The concert was a perfect mix of all of his albums, as well. I knew he'd do You Raise Me Up for an encore, but I went it just hoping that he would perform my favorite, Per Te, but I wasn't too hopeful. But, his last song...was Per Te!!! It was beautiful and perfect and I cried. It wasn't the first time I cried, though...I also cried during Oceano, which was like the third song.

I'm sure he gave his security guys a heart attack, for the way he interacted with the audience and would just run around like a madman. He was talking about his stage setup, where they had these jutting out platform stair things, and called them GAPs...aka, Grobanite Access Platforms. He was just...brilliant, in every sense of the word. I don't ever want to forget that concert.