I've been living on my own for two weeks now, and I'm still in that awkward time where you're in a new area but don't have new friends, so I've had a lot of time to myself. Obviously, a lot of that time is spent feeling rather lonely. Before I went to college, I would have said that I liked being alone; I've always been fairly independent and self-sufficient, and a good book was all I really needed in terms of company. Now, however, I know better than ever the aching pains of loneliness. So, what changed? Why do I feel the lack of companionship so much more now than I did before? The answer to that, I believe, lies in the difference between solitude and loneliness.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary online defines solitude as:
1: the quality or state of being alone or remote from society: seclusion, or;
2: a lonely place (as a desert).
Whereas lonely is defined as:
1 a: being without company: lone,
b: cut off from others: solitary;
2: not frequented by human beings: desolate;
3: sad from being alone: lonesome;
4. producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation - loneliness.
So here, besides seeing that lonely has many more variations, we see a distinct difference in tone, or at least I do. While solitude is simply "being" alone, lonely is being "cut off"; one is voluntary, the other not. That, I believe, is the crux of the matter.
When I think of solitude, I think of something that is chosen, or at least something that you're accepting of. When I think of loneliness, the overwhelming secondary feeling is that of being separate, or of missing out. Is loneliness really just the worry that you're missing out on something, somewhere else? I know a lot of my feelings of loneliness arise from reminders that life goes on for my friends and those I care about without me...that I am separate from the chain of events I used to be part of. On the other hand, when I'm in a solitary mood, it's only about me. I'm in a place where I'm not even thinking about those outside influences...therefore, loneliness arises from a comparison to others, while solitude is a state of completeness without need for anyone else.
I just went and sat out on my deck - just me, my TCU blanket, and a Lord of the Rings soundtrack. I didn't take my phone, I didn't turn the lights on...I just sat. I spent time with myself. And I felt more like a whole person than I feel like I have in a while. Time to yourself, completely by yourself, is something a bit lacking when you're living at home, as I was for the previous part of the summer. I had been having a bad day, and I was at the point where everything was just spiraling down into a bad place. So, basically, I gave myself a timeout. And I felt calm, and alone, and it was wonderful. It's the same feeling I get when I'm driving down a country road at night and can't see headlights from another car or even lights from civilization. It's being complete in yourself. That's something that I strive to feel more often.
However, as soon as I came back inside, all those worries and feelings of loneliness returned. When I'm surrounded by pictures and mementos and memories of life outside myself, I feel that part that I'm lacking right now and the loneliness and lacking comes back. And so I got my computer and wrote a blog post about what I was thinking that ended up being much more personal than I meant for it to be. Gah. I guess I was hoping for some huge revelation at the end, that maybe I would have figured my thoughts out, but that didn't happen. And now I'm stuck with that awkward feeling, as at the end of every blog entry, wondering if anyone will ever read this or if my thoughts will just bounce blindly around the blogosphere for all eternity, and then the secondary question of well, should I share it with others then? Present it like something they want to read and open myself up to ridicule and analyzation, even accusations of pretension? These are questions I have no answer to.
So, I suppose I will leave this entry with a challenge to myself, and anyone else who happens to read it. Battle loneliness, either with reassurance that you're not being forgotten or with interactions with friends. But, at the same time, relish solitude. Enjoy time to just be with yourself. Because, however trite it may sound, and despite the fact that I haven't necessarily found it true yet, I like to hope and believe that once you're happy being with yourself, other people will be happy to be with you also.
And there is my confused, cliched, crazed blog post for the night. Ciao.
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