During the week of graduation, my mom gave me a book. Actually, she gave me several books, but in particular she gave me A Line a Day book. In this book, I am meant to write a sentence or so every day for five years about what is happening in my life. At first, it was just a neat idea. It was sort of a continuation of my Suddenly a Senior blog, an easy way to remember what happens in my life. As time goes on though, it becomes a wee bit terrifying.
You see, the thing is, a lot can happen in five years. Five years ago, I was at DCI band camp in Illinois. I was about to start my senior year of high school. In that five years, I've graduated twice, performed in four different Bowl games, met so many people who've changed my life, lived in five different places, had surgery, been an intern, and so many other things, many of which I would have never expected five years ago. So that begs the question...what is going to happen in the next five years?
There is pretty much exactly one thing that I am reasonably sure will happen in the next five years. Three years from now, I will graduate from KU with my Masters in Art History. However, that's just the bare bones. What will it be like? What will I learn? Where will I go after that?
While the uncertainty of the next five years is a little frightening, that's not what really terrifies me. Everything is always uncertain. That's true whether you're five, twenty-five, or one hundred and five. No, what terrifies me about this next five years is that things are expected of me.
I know that my mom gave me this book in the hopes that it would be a record of important events in my life, things like graduations, but also maybe trips to Italy or meeting 'the one' or my first real job. And while I know it was given with no real expectations on me, specifically, it kind of hits on a sore point, namely, my lack of significant other at really any point in my life, but especially now as I reach maturity. There isn't a visit home that passes without some reference to how when it happens, I'll fall so fast I won't know what hits me, or what my "type" is, or how everyone is waiting for me. My sister said something to that effect just the other day, about how the whole family just wants me to find someone. She said it in the sense that they'll be happy for me and want me to have that, but still. When I look back at the past, it's hard to imagine that there is going to be someone for me in five years. Then I realize that in five years I'll be 27, and I'm terrified that there won't be someone for me. But then I don't know what's scarier...that there might not be someone, or the fact that in the realm of human possibility it is completely possible for me to meet someone and even get married and have a child in five years. I want to say no, this won't happen, but I don't really have any control over that (though I'm really not planning on any children in the next five years). I mean, I want to find 'the one'...who doesn't? But I'm not sure I'm ready, and with five years seeming both so long and so short I guess I'm just scared either way.
Five years...who knows what will happen. I just hope that I can face these next five years without fear of what the future may bring and without being encumbered by the expectations of others. If I can manage that, then in five years hopefully I'll be able to look back at the past five years as fondly as I look back at the five years I just experienced.
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